Jenny Mosley on education and spirituality - Findhorn series article 3
Self-esteem on the spiritual path
This is Jenny Mosley's third contribution for the Findhorn Global Network Spirituality Forum.
(For more information and to join the Findhorn Global Network, the website address is ? www.findhorn.org)
In the last article I offered the idea that all educators and parents are on a spiritual journey of learning how to love unconditionally and, following naturally, on how to forgive unconditionally. Working or living with young people, in whatever capacity, demands that we show them that our own acts of generosity of spirit are bigger than the hurt or disappointment their own angry or confused actions have just caused us. Of course we can put into place firm boundaries and agreed consequences — but it's vital that we still show the child that whilst we can’t tolerate their actions, we still love/like/value the person that they are. Only then can they learn the moral vision that we want them to share.
What helps or hinders our efforts to be this type of role model for children? Strangely, whilst what we are touching on here and in the last two articles, is philosophy and spirituality, what can hold us back or propels us forward on these paths is our own psychology. Self-esteem is, for me, a core psychological concept. At the risk of over simplifying; sound self-esteem means you have a positive view of yourself with a real awareness of your own strengths and needs. If you have a true sense of your own significance and value then you will be able to learn from demanding or negative experiences and be prepared to work on any of your weaknesses or needs. Sound self-esteem gives you the confidence to welcome new learning challenges and cope with set-backs and confrontations without taking them personally or being devastated by them.
Low self-esteem means you have no real awareness of your strengths and needs and you can suffer from a feeling of worthlessness. Therefore you will be unable to be objective about the interactions and events you get caught up in. You take it personally and therefore, under emotional threat, you instinctively move into fight or flight. You either explode into angry, hurt or retaliatory gestures and cling onto a need to ‘win’, or you withdraw into a miserable fog of despair and a tendency to blame others. I am deliberately over simplifying the case just to give you a ‘way in’ to the overall picture!
I believe if we work on our own-self esteem we are working on the idea of loving ourselves. Wow! This last phrase can, I know because I use it on my courses, immediately provoke strong negative responses in people. ‘Loving ourselves’ can suggest we are narcissistic, over-bearing, selfish or self absorbed. Why? I believe loving yourself is a strongly spiritual act based on the belief that life is a gift. We have all been given a unique set of strengths, talents, insights, abilities and senses — surely we should value and love these and the opportunity in this life to use them. How can we possibly love others if we don’t love ourselves? How can we give compassion and kindness to others if we don’t experience it for ourselves first. Disturbing thoughts aren’t they?
I have been working on these themes since the ninteen-seventies. Our own cultural contents, religious beliefs and family systems can cause us to struggle against the above ideas — or shrug them off dismissively. In other words we move into more fight or flight! Of course it is all much more complex and deep than this. I have just a short article in which to be provocative. Sometimes though I do just wonder if in fact it is all really much more simple and full of common sense than we realise.
I know that when professionals are evaluating the emotional, social or behavioural needs of children their key concern often centres on the child's lack of self-esteem, and how it can lead to severely withdrawn or aggressive behaviour. However, some parents come up to me after workshops and say ‘listen, don’t give my child any more self-esteem — he’s got enough! This is a commonly held mistaken belief. Some people think that somehow you can have too much self-esteem, which can lead to the individual becoming over-bearing, pushy, argumentative… or just in your face! But I believe this type of behaviour is just a mask to hide low self-esteem. After all, if you feel good enough about yourself why would you want to ride rough shod over other peoples' feelings. Surely if you feel good enough about yourself you wouldn’t be threatened by other people but would be able to draw from their ideas, hopes and fears. Sound self-esteem does not have to mean that you need to be noticed or insist on being at the centre of everything.
Some very humble people I have met have the strongest sense of self-esteem. They are able to ask for help, admit mistakes and genuinely light up with joy for other peoples' successes. In other words their sense of self is not rocked by everyday events and they don’t take events personally.
So, dear reader, it is time to look into our hearts and see if they are sufficiently free from the virus of low self-esteem that they are able to love unconditionally firstly ourselves — and then others.
Jenny Mosley
Jenny Mosley has been a teacher for 14 years and since 1986 has her own company that offers whole school training programmes to help teachers and children work towards the vision and ethos of valuing themselves and others. Her model of Quality Circle Time is embedded in the majority of primary schools and she continues to strive to help secondary schools and staff rooms to also meet in circles.
For more information, visit ? www.circle-time.co.uk or contact ? circletime@jennymosley.co.uk.
© 2005 Jenny Mosley
With thanks to the Findhorn Global Network for enabling us to reproduce this article. For more information and to join the Findhorn Global Community, the website address is ? www.findhorn.org
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